It's been almost two months since my last weeklong stint of introverted, socially awkward, usually premenstrual depression.
That's when I started birth control. I'M CURED! Apparently, it turns out it was all hormones. What a relief.

I finished my rap song.
Also, just good times lately. I feel really content with who I am and for once don't feel the need to impress anyone or even myself. And the hurt is almost gone.

I posted something about impatience before, and now I'm going to write about it.

Impatience is probably one of my worst vices. It has prevented me from starting (let alone finishing) many creative endeavors that I'm sure would have immensely improved my life and satisfied me artistically had I pursued them.
My problem is that I get all these amazing ideas for projects but become worn down by all the work and time they would involve. I also have a lack of motivation in the planning department. I get to thinking that if I can't finish something in a four-hour span, I'll lose interest and stop because a final product doesn't materialize in front of my face soon enough.
That's what I'm trying to overcome with my rap song. It's something of a personal victory for me since I talked about it for so long, and now I've actually written three verses and a chorus and made the first version of the beat. I NEVER engage in projects that involve this much work and planning and thought. Pretty excellent. Hopefully I will reap the benefits of being a rap star in Ames eventually... haha, that was a joke. I had so much fun writing and making the beats that I could certainly do a few more, especially if I manage to convince some friends to join in. I credit my friend Valerie with inspiring me to actually start the production, since she has awesome rap music herself.
In any case I'm glad this has happened. This summer I've certainly gotten better at sucking it up and just DOING what it takes to get something done. I always had some sort of mental block before that prevented me from getting things done. That's where my procrastination habit stems from. It's inconvenient.

I've been hanging out with old and new friends lately, and it's a nice mix. It's refreshing to have a dose of the real world for once instead of the same old bullshit that's always happening in the same group of people that's always around. Today at the cafe an old friend walked by and we actually ended up sitting for a few hours, catching up and talking about random philosophical things.

Coldplay defines my life right now. In an emo sense.


Last night was one of the craziest nights I think I've ever had, and it was all environmental craziness, nothing any of us did influenced the insanity of it.
My friend Tom drove seven people to Omaha in his minivan to see Sigur Rós at the Orpheum, a really nice theater downtown which usually houses symphonies and musicals. We got there a little early so a few of us got coffee and then went to rummage through a really cool record store. Suddenly Tom and Eric rush into the record store from the Chinese restaurant next door, saying there was a tornado warning and we had to leave immediately. Tom was really scared, it was kind of funny how he walked about twice as fast as the rest of us, like he was gonna die. But when we got outside I kind of started to panic as well because the sirens were going off and I'd never heard tornado sirens before. Apparently a tornado had touched down right outside of town.
We decided to head to the theater to see if we could just hunker down there before the show started, but they weren't letting people in. We stood outside watching the sky get darker, the clouds move faster and the wind blow harder before they finally ushered us into the basement of the theater. The doormen said that the show was postponed until the tornado had passed.
An hour later we were all sitting in the whitewashed bare halls backstage musing about the weather and the show. We'd just found out that another tornado had hit Iowa and four boy scouts on a camping trip were killed. People kept walking past us in the halls so no one paid attention when a couple members of Sigur Rós (the singer and the pianist) walked by. Then they walked by again in the opposite direction and me and Roxy and Eric stared at each other thinking THANK GOD FOR THE TORNADO. Pretty soon the entire fourteen- or fifteen-piece band walked by carrying drums and brass instruments. Five minutes later they marched out into the hall single-file playing a march of some sort, parade-style, to entertain the fans. Plus I'm pretty sure they were drunk because one of the girls was banging an empty wine bottle with a drumstick. What a great moment though!! Sigur Rós marching around backstage entertaining all the stranded fans! It was so quirky and endearing.
Then we waited another few minutes and they let us upstairs (the band marched past us in the other direction) to wait some more at the door of the main room. Finally we got in and sat down and the trombone player did some of his solo material, which was really good. (His first words to the audience were, complete with thick Icelandic accent: "You have a very nice city. We went to the zoo this morning. It was beautiful." HOW CUTE.) I swear every member of that band plays every instrument. The stage was set up like a studio too, instruments in big clusters everywhere, unorganized, microphones hovering over them. Then the band came out and played for a couple hours. This was easily the most amazing part of the night, you can tell these people love what they do and really feel the music, and they kept saying, "Thanks for being so nice to us." I cried during most of the slower songs. The harmonies and the way Jónsi sings always speaks to me on a deep level, especially during the songs in Hopelandic. I was sitting there crying imagining what he was saying based on the music and his gestures. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. The last song they played was the one in English off their new album, which I hadn't heard any of, and it was so so so amazing. I didn't even understand the lyrics much, and what I did was really simple, but the music and expressivity was intense. They also played some other songs from the new album that had heavy drums and guitar, which I didn't like very much because the heavy drums drowned out Jónsi's voice and the lighter harmonies on vibraphone and piano, but those were pretty intense too. I just think Sigur Rós should stick to what they started with, it almost seems like they're trying to appeal to more of the mainstream audiences, especially singing songs in English on the same album. That contradicts what they've stood for in interviews and on their DVD.
In any case they finished and we went outside and I cried a little more and then Luke and Roxy left to go home, so Tom and Troy and Eric and I tried to figure out what to do, and ended up going to a bar and having a beer (I had a diet coke, ID-less.) Then Becca joined up with us and we drove home. I drove the last ninety miles or so, or almost did, until a few miles north of Des Moines a deer ran in front of the minivan and took out Tom's headlight. Scared me shitless so Eric drove the rest of the way. I feel bad about the car, but that stupid fucking deer just jumped in front of the car when I was going 70. I always felt bad for the deer but COME ON. It's not like they haven't seen cars before. That's the first time I've hit any sort of animal driving, and it figures it would be a FULL GROWN DEER.
Then me and Troy had a few beers and watched Sgt. Bilko with Steve until we all passed out.
WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT. Tornado, Sigur Rós marching around backstage, amazing performance, deer in headlights. Good story.

Weary Idealist: it hurt to be marginalized at the time, but i guess i understand now
Weary Idealist: i just didnt want you to go
fly by nite away: dude i still dont realize when im hurting people
fly by nite away: im an idiot when it comes to that
fly by nite away: becuase the first time ive ever been hurt was ummmm this month
Weary Idealist: sorry
fly by nite away: it needed to happen
fly by nite away: but its been fucking hard experiencing what ive done to people
Weary Idealist: you make me feel so young sometimes
fly by nite away: i kind of feel like i deserve to live in a cave for a few years
fly by nite away: at least as far as talking to men goes
Weary Idealist: just be real
fly by nite away: i am real i am just good at protecting myself with no regard for what it does to anyone else
Weary Idealist: fuck everybody else
Weary Idealist: get yours
fly by nite away: no
Weary Idealist: well there you go
Weary Idealist: you see how stupid it looks written down
Weary Idealist: so just stop doing it
fly by nite away: yeah i know
fly by nite away: just i've been realizing what a piece of shit i am
Weary Idealist: this is really the aspect of humanity im interested in exploring in my work
Weary Idealist: this capacity for love and empathy
Weary Idealist: and all of that
fly by nite away: and how i'm a coward and discompassionate and mostly a coward
Weary Idealist: some people like to celebrate the carnal side of humanity...i say fuck that
fly by nite away: oh, and selfish
Weary Idealist: you're scared, thats true
Weary Idealist: ive seen you run from truth after truth
fly by nite away: and i have no idea how to appeal to someone i've hurt after realizing this and regretting it so deeply
Weary Idealist: no denying it
fly by nite away: and hoping for forgiveness, that's pretty close to impossible at this point
Weary Idealist: but you wont keep running forever
Weary Idealist: i know you, you see
Weary Idealist: you're cowardly sometimes, but you have a great capacity for the strength you need...ive touched it before
Weary Idealist: youll find it easily enough when needs be
Weary Idealist: id tell you not to be so hard on yourself, but i know it wont help
Weary Idealist: because ive been telling you that for 3 years
Weary Idealist: but the fact that you know what you need to do and acknowledge it takes something, ill tell you
Weary Idealist: and you're smart

The Kennedy Curse strikes again!
Wow. That is uncanny. Poor Eddy.

I had the best weekend EVER. And also, swimming will happen tonight, which makes life even better. If only my sewing machine worked.
Last night while I was wracked with chest and stomach pain (manifestations of mental torture) I had a bunch of really sweet ideas for fuh fuh fiction. But I only vaguely remember them now... damn. I will will will get to writing goodness in here again.

I totally finally decided to quit torturing myself last night, and it worked pretty well. Congrats self! Way to put away the iron maiden!

Best moment of the night: VAN FULL OF CATS. ROAD TRIP WITH CATS. CATS AT THE BEACH WITH PERSONALIZED SAILOR HATS. CATS ON LEASHES AT A REST STOP. Oh man. And a me sandwich in exchange for my tunes. YES.

THIS IS THAT NEW SHIT.
Well, it's coming in the mailll...

I'm sad everyone's leaving. But also I like summer. It is a time of reflexion, solitude, silence, and intensity. It is a lost disconnected time. It's a time to reglue the roots in, you know? It has always been that way for me, everyone leaves and I am left to myself and my stunted weakened faltering connections with others, so I have no choice but to become stronger.
And of course self reinvention, but this time it's building on what it was before, and me and Rox are going to FREAK AMES THE FUCK OUT. According to plan :|

I've really been looking forward to it. Also I want to fuck Feadz's voice.

Grades so far:
Jl MC 201: A
Jl MC 341: B

///FAIS RENTRER LES EUROS PARCE QU'ILS SONT PAS SI CHOUETTES COMME NOUS///

I still have to finish my article for 201, but tonight I concluded that the ideal personality for a man OR a woman involves the encapsulation of the positive traits associated with both the feminine and masculine, and does not include any of the negative traits stereotypically associated with either gender. Conclusion: Society can suck it.

Such positive traits include:
(Typically masculine) independent, active, logical, ambitious, self-confident, adventurous, leadership, making decisions easily, being direct, enjoying math and science
(Typically feminine) emotional, tactful, talkative, gentle, aware of others' feelings, neat, nurturing, enjoying art and literature, expressive


I'm not going to go into the negative traits because there are about three negative feminine traits for every negative masculine one, which kind of made me mad (and more of a man) haha.
But as one of my interviewees said, this stuff has nothing to do with sex appeal. If you're hot, you're hot, and both people having masculine and feminine personality traits would just make the sex better (more confident and expressive, for example) for both of them.

I've got a fever something awful! Hope I'm better before I go out for dollar pints tomorrow :)
Also, I just finished the last of my statistics assignments. All that's left = the final. YES!

I somehow managed to ace my last statistics test, the one I barely studied for and thought I'd failed. Perhaps there is a chance of passing that class?

Also, some fuck backed into my car yesterday while I was parked in a space for ten minutes. The other car hit my back windshield's frame, smashing the entire back windshield. I walked outside while the shards were still dripping from the rims. So even though I took home 130 bucks in tips this weekend, I have nothing to show for it. Kind of like earlier this month when I got towed, again, and worked all weekend to pay for that. Fuck cars.

Just watched Heima. Sigur Rós consists of eight highly levelheaded, talented musicians who truly value music as an art form and not as a moneymaking mechanism. The members of the band are all humble and very modest. It was really good to see that people like that still exist, people who just want to bring all sorts of people together to appreciate each other and what we have (the earth). I recommend the DVD to anyone.

I haven't quite slept since Thursday night, nor have I eaten much. Can't seem to. Troubled? Maybe it was the dancing until 5am Friday and Saturday nights that inhibited any good rest.

My creative spirit has been going haywire lately, in a good way. I have so many ideas I can't even keep track of them all.

So. Beautiful.
I can't relate to the lyrics at the moment, but it's such a gorgeous song.

My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day

And a song that I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone, without beliefs
The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I

Simon & Garfunkel
Kathy's Song

I like the fact that the automated ads on the lyrics websites I visit say things like, "Find Great Deals on Simon and Garfunkel Stuff!"
I don't really think I would...


I feel like an open wound scraped raw and scraped again, a dozen times, and just now it's dawning on me not to put on a bandage but to retreat from the friction and let it heal naturally. Give it some air. I'll have a lovely raised shining scar, but I'll have the knowledge of the experience as well.
I can stop letting the fear cloud my vision and just wander free like I did last night, alone, in the still air lighthearted from wine with the Raconteurs in my ears. I realized again that I am content alone. I am strong. I know myself, and I know I don't need to settle for a jagged cycle of pain and satisfaction and fear and half-moon emotions just to feel a connection to something or someone; I can enjoy life without it. I can be real.
I will not transfer the need to another like some sort of parasite. That has only ever led to more pain. On the contrary, I will overcome it.

OH! Oh! Oh! I'm so good!

I KNEW getting some good sleep would solve all my problems.

From now on, objective 1 is always Sleep Tight, Wake Up In Good Mood. Have Awesome Day.
And objective 2 is Repeat.

I kind of want to put some stuff I wrote for Jl MC 201 in here. So here's one. The assignment was just to describe someone close to us, giving the reader the most vivid description possible. I LOVE these assignments. We had a half hour to complete it.
Guess who?
After reading this my professor told me he wants to have a glass of wine with her... hahaha.

----------------------------------------

She arrives looking painfully refined, a modest look in her elegantly lined eye and in the air about her—a walking paradox, a classic Italian woman. She asks for nothing until I offer her a glass of red wine, which she sips slowly.
It hasn’t been too long. We speak of recent days, of new love interests and mutual friends until the topics warp and become abstract. She sits on my sofa, one leg crossed over the other, and I see her blue eyes light up as we dream aloud together of traveling the world with only the clothes on our backs. We ponder the narrowly defined subculture in Ames and envision an anonymous life in the city. We mourn the devaluation of classic literature since the invention of the Internet and blame technology for the rampant ignorance among youth in the modern United States. We wish we could have been hippies.
She speaks passionately; she nods often. Her sorrel hair brushes her elbows, and her Chicago upbringing reveals itself through a distinct, almost harsh verbal rhythm. I share a few tracks from the Thin Lizzy album I recently rediscovered with her.
A few more friends arrive and she becomes less animate. They sit on the floor and the futon, while she remains alone on the sofa, now the observer, sipping the same glass of red wine, thoughts swirling in her head. I entertain my other friends and the conversation with her falters; I think she feels inadequate.
For an unknown reason her inhibitions seem to melt away when we two speak alone. She voices the words as they come to mind. Among others, we both feel the inhibitions start to come back, and we both realize that she came half an hour early for a reason—hope of a meaningful conversation that can only be held between the best of friends.

Oh dear... I have been in an absolutely horrendous state of mind for the last month or so. This has got to stop.

What happened to carefree positive confident Jenna?
I always seem to lose myself if I don't step back and look at life just for what it is often enough.

I'm so glad I have friends to talk to. I'm SO glad I have people who care about me and know me, and know this hasn't been me lately, and want to help. I can't imagine what I would do without them.

Also I've had these guys to comfort me:


FLEET FOXES<3<3

(so fucking amazing...)

I am an optimistic, happy, inspiring person most of the time.
It is HIGH TIME to welcome that person back into my psyche. Hello.


Guess after two straight days of crying I can finally see through the curtain ?

I suppose if enough bad things happen, eventually a person is forced to see things the right way. Let's not dwell on it, self.

Y estoy harta de sufrir dos clases por semana de español. Son las clases... creo... las más aburridas que tuve en mi vida. No es que la profesora no sepa. Es que la lectura es demasiado fácil y siempre llego tarde, todos me miran como si fuera un criminal, me siento y me duermo, pero despierta. Con los ojos abiertos. Y la profesora me pregunta algo y me animo a contestarle correctamente y vuelvo a mirar para adelante sin ver nada, y luego recibo A's en todos los exámenes para que no me pueda retar la profesora.
Igual es probable que reciba una nota un poco peor que quizá me merezca, por la mala asistencia.
No me importa. Lo que todo esto me dice es que estoy más que lista para salir al "mundo real" y utilizar mis destrezas que aparentemente están suficientemente útiles para hacer que una empresa me pague por traducir.
Che YA ME VOY A EMPEZAR MI PUTO ENSAYO. Me sigue repeliendo.

Ugh...

Good friends, good times, good booze,
happy hangovers and unfinished term papers greeting me in the morning, which came too soon.

Walking across campus today listening to Rage feeling pretty metal with my badass black pants/boots.
Then three people offered me JESUS pamphlets in five minutes. Then I just felt mean.


Just ditched statistics after sitting down and listening to the "professor," a twenty-four year old graduate student, blather for three minutes about testing hypotheses.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail that class, because it's really hard to put extra voluntary effort into applying myself to something that I hate and that the professor doesn't know how to teach (hence my not going to class & not seeking outside help)
I JUST WANT TO TRANSLATE A BOOK?
AND WRITE SOME MASTERPIECES... although I don't think that's going to happen. I also kinda realized I have no imagination.

WHAT DO I LIKE TO DO?



I'm gonna think about that while I finish my term paper... or something. I'm so good at wasting time.

I need to get good sleep more often. Monday was a good day, because I got eight and a half hours of sleep Sunday night. I could think clearly and was in a good mood and just... yes.

Today I got my Iowa driver's license. When the woman gave me back my social security card but not my California license I felt like part of my identity had just been ripped out of my spine like a piece of paper from a spiral notebook, you know that noise. Then when I was standing in front of the blue curtain to have my picture taken, I wouldn't stop moving and the woman kept snapping the pictures without warning me so we had to redo it three times. I think it would have been funny to use one of the pictures with my eyes to the side and my face half turned and my hair all gross. Here's to you, Iowa.
In the one that finally came out, my face is half turned and my hair is all gross, but my eyes aren't to the side.
I think in a couple years I'll have to get a new driver's license in some other state, preferably Oregon or maybe another California or maybe Washington. Then I can cut this new one up with relish and eat it on a hot dog.

I'm so sick of freshman trend whores. It's far worse than the sorority trend whores, because these trend whores, the "scene" ones, have to put some thought into it, have to want to be different first. But then they can't even come up with their own way of being different, they have to use the one they see in their stupid "alternative culture" publications. You know, the ones that are just as desperate to sell themselves out for a few bucks as the mainstream magazines, only that label themselves alternative. Trend whores. It's the same shit everywhere. Woo fuckety hoo, you're so trendy with your headband and your skinny jeans and your sunglasses WHORE.
I'm talking about the bitch who stole Hannah's bike, by the way. The one who has "S'in D" in her facebook interests. You are SO cool for saying that by the way. How fucking DARING of you. So bad.

I'm supposed to be working on my paper right now. I just finished the four-page intro and now am on to the 10-page middle part, there ain't no goin' back now motherfuckers! I forgot my adderall at home, hence the livejournal post, ha.

I have concluded that during much of the first two weeks or so of every month I am scatterbrained, confused, emotional and depressed. It must be hormones.
The days do vary of course, and I think that's because the 28-day cycle isn't a month, so it's really just the two weeks or so leading up to the restoration of hormone levels. Every month it gets a little bit earlier, but just by looking at the dates of my journal entries you can tell when it's happening.
Knowing that it's a cycle makes it a lot easier to understand and cope with, even embrace. It was really hard when I thought I was just crazy then better then crazy then better, but knowing it's going to stop in a few days is comforting. This time I was pretty aware of that and was able to avoid a lot of drama (well not really, but I feel like it needed to happen) and just wait for it to be over.
I do like the depression in a way, though. It forces me to be intraspective and examine myself and my past, my motives, my assumptions about myself and others, anything. It's what helps me learn about life. Granted I'm not productive really during any of it, and it's quite stressful having to deal with homework and everything in the worst moments, but it's an interesting state of mind to be in.
In any case, as of today I am emerging from said state and am fine. I am dedicating myself this week to schoolwork, and by some stroke of miracle work only scheduled me for one day. I have to write an 18-page term paper which I have yet to do any research for by Friday.
I wonder how this sort of depression is related to clinical chronic depression, if it is at all. It's not manic/depressive either, because I haven't been manic in a while, even though I'm taking lower doses of my meds than I should be. Hmmm.

Dude. Simon and Garfunkel. I am in the mood for hippie music and I am ready for SUMMER NIGHTS.

Sometimes the relativity of everything really freaks me out.
I mean, everything I know and believe and am sure about is probably just going to end up in a trash pile in my head labeled "doesn't function in society." I'm probably going to end up like my parents. They're happy living the way they do but I wouldn't be and I couldn't even try to pretend. I'll probably end up like them anyway.
Don't worry, I don't really believe that.

But seriously. It's so easy to be happy in life. When something gets you down you find a perspective that turns it, whatever it is, into something positive, or reproaches your view on it. The hard part is the simple admission of the fact that this can be done in absolutely any situation. I do this to myself all the time. Maybe that's why I find it hard to value anyone's opinion, including mine, and I just cling to anything that appears to make concrete sense, but then I realize it's another one of those fleeting moments and I go back to understanding that nothing is absolute. There's always a fucking flipside. It's hard to find anything permanent to cling to when that little notion is present.

I'm kind of freaking out right now in a really passive way. All I want to do is run, and I just did, but the gym closed and it wasn't enough and then I went and bought sixty-four dollars worth of fruit, lean meats, nuts and seeds and now I'm supposed to be doing situps but I am writing this. I'm writing this and thinking about the Atmosphere lyrics I heard for six hours in my car today at work. SAVED THE DAY.

I just want someone to lick my clit and make me forget about all this nonsense. After all, orgasms do cause the brain to release endorphins.

As mentioned in my facebook today, I think it would be a really good idea to get a hearing aid-- like, tomorrow-- so that my music could sound louder. As it is my speakers suck and the bass is overpowering so my neighbors stomp on the walls if I play it at any audible volume, and the headphones on my ipod REALLY suck, so that would help even more. Plus I won't have to buy one when I go deaf because I spent all my non-deaf years thoroughly appreciating life's prettiest noise.

Dude.
That is disgusting. I hate the fucking Bible and all the fucking importance stupid Christians like these put on its million-times interpreted, out-of-context, taken-too-literally doctrine.

I'm reading Andy Warhol's philosophy book. He is great. The sixties and seventies were so...... observant.

Turbulent lifestyle.

I downloaded the complete Ed Banger compilation and it is blowing my mind.

Also amazing:
Death from Above 1979 (SEXY RESULTS) and John Mayer Trio. Oh yes.

You know, it really fucking pisses me off sometimes that no one I know reads this. I read a lot of local blogs and comment on them all then TALK about them in PERSON with the same people, and they STILL don't care enough to take a fucking look at mine. Guess what I have to say doesn't matter.


Ghostland Observatory came out with a new album today. It's SWEET.
I'm still downloading the one from NIN.
Also, The Cure is God.

I think half my hair's been pulled out in the last week. Roar.

I'm going to start a small editorial on people who are narrow-minded when it comes to music and people who are open-minded. It should come out well. I have some pretty good points.

I'm almost through with Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary, which is extraordinary. Had I stayed in Argentina longer, I could have written something similar based on my experiences, but with less alcoholism and more weed.

I'm becoming something of a music library for my friends, who keep requesting CDs full of John Lennon and Dream Theater and all manner of electronic music (ie Chromeo). I love to enlighten people.

Yesterday at Hobby Lobby I came across a bag of miniature Bibles (for doll houses), bought them, and attached them to earring stems. I got three comments on them the first day I wore them, two from incredulous Christians and one from an appreciative friend. The irony of it is FANTASTIC. I also bought some ridiculous black leather cord printed with iridescent rainbow dots which I tied to a periwinkle colored v-neck as fringe. I love feeling crafty.

I have to register the car in Iowa today :( They're going to take away my California license, what a huge disappointment. I will refuse to attach repulsive Iowa plates to it! But it lets me drive for my job, which lessens my financiary suffering.

Oh MAN has this week been busy.

For some reason I'm completely comforable having pictures of myself prancing around in lingerie all over Facebook. I don't even care. It was so fun doing that photoshoot.
It's funny, because I used to think girls who did photos like that were just tools trying to get as much validation from men and male attention as possible. Maybe there are those who just appreciate the style of it. I know I'm not looking for compliments. I was really happy that someone wanted to take pinup style pictures and that I could participate. Plus, I got to put all of my unused lingerie to use. Sweet.
And Matthew was right, the photographer's and the model's personalities both come out in the photos. He kept saying how different each shoot he does is. That's fascinating, and really true-- I never thought pictures could say so much about who someone is.

In other news, I abhor statistics and am almost done. I just finished (well, I think it's finished) my term paper proposal for magazine publishing. What a clusterfuck that was.

When I finish this I'm going to smoke some weed, lay on my floor, and listen to The Cure.
Hey! Weed is a mass noun, according to my Spanish teacher... you can't count it. Haha see how it sticks?

I think I'm going insane due to the craziness of my life. YES.

What is this?
Four shootings at different educational establishments in a WEEK.
This is disgusting.
Reading this today in the cafeteria I started feeling unsafe.

One of the shootings happened in a middle school fifteen minutes from where I grew up.
It's like a chain reaction... or just bad timing.
And people still advocate gun ownership. Really smart.
I think preventing the huge amount of loss, accidental and homocides, that guns have created, is worth not being able to go out and hunt, or whatever people like to have guns for.
Because self-defense here is obsolete. If no one can buy guns, this includes burglars and gangsters, hopefully.

Ugh. It is just so wrong to want to harm someone that badly. This is why women need to have more say in these issues; we're not blinded by testosterone-induced rage and jealousy.

The craziest ideas are popping into my head right now!

"...part journalism and part personal memoir admixed with powers of wild invention and wilder rhetoric."
-Tom Wolfe on Hunter S. Thompson's writing style

Was inspired today in media writing and reporting class by a discussion about Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac. I haven't read works by any of them but I know their biographies, which are absolutely amazing.
Their stories, which all involve taking reporting or novel-writing to the next level by participating in whatever they are reporting on and becoming an essential part of the story, ties in with what I need to do with my life: have adventures. I need to do crazy things with myself like move to random places, meet people-- then write about it. This has been previously mentioned in my other journal. The discussion gave me hope that one day I'll be able to do that, just write stories heavily based on my own experiences, because fuck knows I'm certainly not creative enough to come up with scenarios on my own.

This is also (at least in my mind) related to a discussion I had with D.nizz earlier today about subcultures and authenticity and trends. I was talking about my anxiety toward new people or people who I admire from afar for being indie/hipster or artsy or who appear to be "unique"--what a paradox! That somehow I am compelled to impress them or change the way I am to render myself more likeable to them.
Dude, fuck that. A lot of those people are just more sheep in disguise who use their appearance and its label as a safety net. I have posted a note about this phenomenon on my facebook notes. Life should be about becoming COMPLETELY authentic. Life should not be about trying to conform and doing the latest cool thing because that's what everyone else is doing. That is just another stupid attempt to fit in, even if it does look like some rebellious edgy subculture. Have you people looked around? EVERYONE has jewelry on their faces. EVERYONE has skinny jeans. EVERYONE has tattoos. EVERYONE listens to emo indie rock. It's certainly a step up from conservative Christianity, but there still exists your share of posers and people who are just tagging along to feel like they belong. There's still that atmosphere of competition: Who can be the HIPPEST hipster?
What I should be doing is laughing at them, and at me. Because I admit, I'm guilty, I am attracted to those goddamn trendy kidz. Gotta realize though, that I should be loved for being my own amazing person instead of worrying about how unlike other people I am. This is pretty much the stem of many of my social insecurities: assuming that people are more sophisticated and ...wise than I am even though my personal social experiences tell me the opposite. Yep, that was meant to sound conceited.
Now is the time to walk the walk...