my latest celebrity crush on kari byron has to be my biggest celebrity crush in a long while.




oh well. i have cans of peaches in my refrigerator! gonna go eat 'em!

this song gets to me. i love atmosphere, seriously.
also, i think i've cried more in the last few months than i have in the last few years combined.


The last starfighter is wounded, time to give it up
On a pick-it-up mission, kept it bitter
Gettin' in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keepin' emotions controlled
Cookies for the road, took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama, hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further, the hurt feels like murder
Interpret the eyes, read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake, how much time did I waste?
Fuck you Lucy for leaving me
Fuck you Lucy for not needing me
I wanna say fuck you because I still love you
No, I'm not okay, and I don't know what to do

So I'm back in Moorpark and essentially miserable. I can't do anything that i'm used to doing, and i have little to no freedom. My parents hold it over my head that they are paying for certain things (like my car insurance and stuff), and they in a way, blackmail me with it in order to get me to do what they want me to do. I am made to feel inadequete, stupid, and lazy no matter what i do, and it's driving me mad. My stepdad has gotten crazier and more obsessive with cleaning and stuff, and the nutty thing is that he's obsessed now with the electricity bill (even though he JUST got another raise). He's unplugged my chargers in the middle of charging because it's "wasting electricity"...

It's so funny to me now to see the things that americans are worried about. I've been through a lot of crazy experiences the past year that really put your life into perspective over what things are important and what things aren't. I've had guns pointed at me, almost gotten stoned (like literally stoned with rocks), and had to live in a climate where they were even prepared for a nuclear war. My stepdad's response is that they're all just fucking nuts over there and they should just all kill each other off, but honestly guys, many people over there ARENT fucking nuts; they're just like you and me, but placed in a completely different situation.

I'm having some trouble readjusting back into the American climate. It's just so odd to me that the place where i grew up could look so foreign to me. It just doesn't feel like home anymore. Not that i'm going to make aliyah or something, but i have this odd longing to b e back in jerusalem...a place so spiritually rich...I honestly felt it leave me when i came to the US; there is no spiritualness about the US, except what is contained within the individual, while in Jerusalem, it's the area that makes you that way rather than yourself....if this makes any sense. I guess it's something that doesn't make sense unless you've been there, but i hope that eventually all of you guys reading this will have a chance to experience it sometime in your lives.

Anyway, I'm in the process of looking for an apartment and also a job..this is not fun, btw. Hopefully i'll find an apartment by next wednesday, so then i don't have to worry about that. the job situation is annoying, but i'll most likely be working at Borders. Sigh.

I hate real life.

It's been almost two months since my last weeklong stint of introverted, socially awkward, usually premenstrual depression.
That's when I started birth control. I'M CURED! Apparently, it turns out it was all hormones. What a relief.

I finished my rap song.
Also, just good times lately. I feel really content with who I am and for once don't feel the need to impress anyone or even myself. And the hurt is almost gone.

so in school, we covered the wig and extensions chapter. last year, my teacher had a contest/'fashion show' for the wigs the students made. everyone picks a theme for inspiration and makes their wig based around that idea. i did Rainbow Bright Finds the Secret Garden. i got second place. $25 mac gift card, cant complain.

( Rainbow Bright Finds the Secret Garden + other pics )

This year has really just sucked.

With friends especially ... i am having the worst luck when it comes to them. I dont know what it is, but things just like to go wrong all at once.
I am having a hard time fitting in somewhere. My friend groups keep changing and I am often left out of them now. How do i change this????????????

It's really hard for me to confide my troubles to someone ... they either have no way of relating or they have past judgements or both so they dont hear me.
And thats another thing ... PEOPLE DONT HEAR ME :( i feel like i am talking to walls So i repeat myself but they only acknowledge that ive said something over again.

I cannot wait to finally move. It will be a hard adjustment, but I really need it. Maybe I'll fit in at school.

Maybe 2008 will turn around for the better ... I guess it has to .... How much worse could it really get?



I'm just really scared for some reason and all of this makes me really sad.
I hope things get better.

and now you lied to me espn? you told me espn deportes. it is on abc. you suck. i missed torres's goal because of you

what the fuck espn?! you show EVERY game of the euro cup tournament EXCEPT the final. um..... WHAT THE FUCK?! you actually get some decent commentators for the games so yeah, i would like to watch it in english. and what are you showing instead? BOWLING. BOWLING??? seriously?? bowling is less of a sport than cheerleading. fuck you espn.

 Never having had turquoise hair before....

Inspiration:


After:

btw...


i come back to california tomorrow (29th)@ 630am...

Dudes, we are living in the future.

I posted something about impatience before, and now I'm going to write about it.

Impatience is probably one of my worst vices. It has prevented me from starting (let alone finishing) many creative endeavors that I'm sure would have immensely improved my life and satisfied me artistically had I pursued them.
My problem is that I get all these amazing ideas for projects but become worn down by all the work and time they would involve. I also have a lack of motivation in the planning department. I get to thinking that if I can't finish something in a four-hour span, I'll lose interest and stop because a final product doesn't materialize in front of my face soon enough.
That's what I'm trying to overcome with my rap song. It's something of a personal victory for me since I talked about it for so long, and now I've actually written three verses and a chorus and made the first version of the beat. I NEVER engage in projects that involve this much work and planning and thought. Pretty excellent. Hopefully I will reap the benefits of being a rap star in Ames eventually... haha, that was a joke. I had so much fun writing and making the beats that I could certainly do a few more, especially if I manage to convince some friends to join in. I credit my friend Valerie with inspiring me to actually start the production, since she has awesome rap music herself.
In any case I'm glad this has happened. This summer I've certainly gotten better at sucking it up and just DOING what it takes to get something done. I always had some sort of mental block before that prevented me from getting things done. That's where my procrastination habit stems from. It's inconvenient.

I've been hanging out with old and new friends lately, and it's a nice mix. It's refreshing to have a dose of the real world for once instead of the same old bullshit that's always happening in the same group of people that's always around. Today at the cafe an old friend walked by and we actually ended up sitting for a few hours, catching up and talking about random philosophical things.

there is no great love without great jealousy.

operate with the end in mind.


Magnetic Ink, Process video from flight404 on Vimeo.