how do you?

fuck you lucy.

2008-07-03T19:24:43Z

this song gets to me. i love atmosphere, seriously.
also, i think i've cried more in the last few months than i have in the last few years combined.

The last starfighter is wounded, time to give it up
On a pick-it-up mission, kept it bitter
Gettin' in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keepin' emotions controlled
Cookies for the road, took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama, hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further, the hurt feels like murder
Interpret the eyes, read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake, how much time did I waste?
Fuck you Lucy for leaving me
Fuck you Lucy for not needing me
I wanna say fuck you because I still love you
No, I'm not okay, and I don't know what to do

Perhaps better.

2008-07-02T05:07:36Z

It's been almost two months since my last weeklong stint of introverted, socially awkward, usually premenstrual depression.
That's when I started birth control. I'M CURED! Apparently, it turns out it was all hormones. What a relief.

I finished my rap song.
Also, just good times lately. I feel really content with who I am and for once don't feel the need to impress anyone or even myself. And the hurt is almost gone.

Rotating Skyscraper.

2008-06-25T18:55:23Z

Dudes, we are living in the future.

Dubai Skyscraper with Rotating Floors

Impatience is Death Revisited

2008-06-25T04:54:15Z

I posted something about impatience before, and now I'm going to write about it.

Impatience is probably one of my worst vices. It has prevented me from starting (let alone finishing) many creative endeavors that I'm sure would have immensely improved my life and satisfied me artistically had I pursued them.
My problem is that I get all these amazing ideas for projects but become worn down by all the work and time they would involve. I also have a lack of motivation in the planning department. I get to thinking that if I can't finish something in a four-hour span, I'll lose interest and stop because a final product doesn't materialize in front of my face soon enough.
That's what I'm trying to overcome with my rap song. It's something of a personal victory for me since I talked about it for so long, and now I've actually written three verses and a chorus and made the first version of the beat. I NEVER engage in projects that involve this much work and planning and thought. Pretty excellent. Hopefully I will reap the benefits of being a rap star in Ames eventually... haha, that was a joke. I had so much fun writing and making the beats that I could certainly do a few more, especially if I manage to convince some friends to join in. I credit my friend Valerie with inspiring me to actually start the production, since she has awesome rap music herself.
In any case I'm glad this has happened. This summer I've certainly gotten better at sucking it up and just DOING what it takes to get something done. I always had some sort of mental block before that prevented me from getting things done. That's where my procrastination habit stems from. It's inconvenient.

I've been hanging out with old and new friends lately, and it's a nice mix. It's refreshing to have a dose of the real world for once instead of the same old bullshit that's always happening in the same group of people that's always around. Today at the cafe an old friend walked by and we actually ended up sitting for a few hours, catching up and talking about random philosophical things.

six words of advice

2008-06-23T06:47:40Z

operate with the end in mind.

Magnetic Ink, Process video from flight404 on Vimeo.

Ohhhmaha

2008-06-12T22:43:12Z

Coldplay defines my life right now. In an emo sense.

Last night was one of the craziest nights I think I've ever had, and it was all environmental craziness, nothing any of us did influenced the insanity of it.
My friend Tom drove seven people to Omaha in his minivan to see Sigur Rós at the Orpheum, a really nice theater downtown which usually houses symphonies and musicals. We got there a little early so a few of us got coffee and then went to rummage through a really cool record store. Suddenly Tom and Eric rush into the record store from the Chinese restaurant next door, saying there was a tornado warning and we had to leave immediately. Tom was really scared, it was kind of funny how he walked about twice as fast as the rest of us, like he was gonna die. But when we got outside I kind of started to panic as well because the sirens were going off and I'd never heard tornado sirens before. Apparently a tornado had touched down right outside of town.
We decided to head to the theater to see if we could just hunker down there before the show started, but they weren't letting people in. We stood outside watching the sky get darker, the clouds move faster and the wind blow harder before they finally ushered us into the basement of the theater. The doormen said that the show was postponed until the tornado had passed.
An hour later we were all sitting in the whitewashed bare halls backstage musing about the weather and the show. We'd just found out that another tornado had hit Iowa and four boy scouts on a camping trip were killed. People kept walking past us in the halls so no one paid attention when a couple members of Sigur Rós (the singer and the pianist) walked by. Then they walked by again in the opposite direction and me and Roxy and Eric stared at each other thinking THANK GOD FOR THE TORNADO. Pretty soon the entire fourteen- or fifteen-piece band walked by carrying drums and brass instruments. Five minutes later they marched out into the hall single-file playing a march of some sort, parade-style, to entertain the fans. Plus I'm pretty sure they were drunk because one of the girls was banging an empty wine bottle with a drumstick. What a great moment though!! Sigur Rós marching around backstage entertaining all the stranded fans! It was so quirky and endearing.
Then we waited another few minutes and they let us upstairs (the band marched past us in the other direction) to wait some more at the door of the main room. Finally we got in and sat down and the trombone player did some of his solo material, which was really good. (His first words to the audience were, complete with thick Icelandic accent: "You have a very nice city. We went to the zoo this morning. It was beautiful." HOW CUTE.) I swear every member of that band plays every instrument. The stage was set up like a studio too, instruments in big clusters everywhere, unorganized, microphones hovering over them. Then the band came out and played for a couple hours. This was easily the most amazing part of the night, you can tell these people love what they do and really feel the music, and they kept saying, "Thanks for being so nice to us." I cried during most of the slower songs. The harmonies and the way Jónsi sings always speaks to me on a deep level, especially during the songs in Hopelandic. I was sitting there crying imagining what he was saying based on the music and his gestures. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. The last song they played was the one in English off their new album, which I hadn't heard any of, and it was so so so amazing. I didn't even understand the lyrics much, and what I did was really simple, but the music and expressivity was intense. They also played some other songs from the new album that had heavy drums and guitar, which I didn't like very much because the heavy drums drowned out Jónsi's voice and the lighter harmonies on vibraphone and piano, but those were pretty intense too. I just think Sigur Rós should stick to what they started with, it almost seems like they're trying to appeal to more of the mainstream audiences, especially singing songs in English on the same album. That contradicts what they've stood for in interviews and on their DVD.
In any case they finished and we went outside and I cried a little more and then Luke and Roxy left to go home, so Tom and Troy and Eric and I tried to figure out what to do, and ended up going to a bar and having a beer (I had a diet coke, ID-less.) Then Becca joined up with us and we drove home. I drove the last ninety miles or so, or almost did, until a few miles north of Des Moines a deer ran in front of the minivan and took out Tom's headlight. Scared me shitless so Eric drove the rest of the way. I feel bad about the car, but that stupid fucking deer just jumped in front of the car when I was going 70. I always felt bad for the deer but COME ON. It's not like they haven't seen cars before. That's the first time I've hit any sort of animal driving, and it figures it would be a FULL GROWN DEER.
Then me and Troy had a few beers and watched Sgt. Bilko with Steve until we all passed out.
WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT. Tornado, Sigur Rós marching around backstage, amazing performance, deer in headlights. Good story.

entre lagrimas se me salio

2008-05-30T11:56:33Z

lines in the sand become lines on your face, lines which climb
they stab into your stomach and take up residence next to your heart
it's painful you want to move your hand pull them out make it stop
but they've already become part of you
bend in half watch them bend with you
fold yourself up try to hide away the lines stay straight poke out can't let them go.
you can't let them go. so you watch droplets appear on the ends on your ends they harden like honey sap
still taste so sweet so sweet
two lines in the dust behind you
still taste so sweet

------------------------------------------

small fist softly will pull at the lump in my throat
dislodge it let the wet words fly
sopping with salty bewilderment
and some sharp like glass shards or razors
but most most will drip sweet sorrow
there is some revelatory curtain that must be pulled back, we know
bright yellow lenses will descend tomorrow tomorrow
we'll witness the slow liquid light exhale
onto panes floor wall all tomorrow
but in this moment we are alone suspended
a failed dimension we exist inside
we only wait for the moment we are ejected
our serene cube, truth will dissolve and into the melee
unbelieving masked disguised violet we will fall

thanks kyle.

2008-05-24T08:39:06Z

Weary Idealist: it hurt to be marginalized at the time, but i guess i understand now
Weary Idealist: i just didnt want you to go
fly by nite away: dude i still dont realize when im hurting people
fly by nite away: im an idiot when it comes to that
fly by nite away: becuase the first time ive ever been hurt was ummmm this month
Weary Idealist: sorry
fly by nite away: it needed to happen
fly by nite away: but its been fucking hard experiencing what ive done to people
Weary Idealist: you make me feel so young sometimes
fly by nite away: i kind of feel like i deserve to live in a cave for a few years
fly by nite away: at least as far as talking to men goes
Weary Idealist: just be real
fly by nite away: i am real i am just good at protecting myself with no regard for what it does to anyone else
Weary Idealist: fuck everybody else
Weary Idealist: get yours
fly by nite away: no
Weary Idealist: well there you go
Weary Idealist: you see how stupid it looks written down
Weary Idealist: so just stop doing it
fly by nite away: yeah i know
fly by nite away: just i've been realizing what a piece of shit i am
Weary Idealist: this is really the aspect of humanity im interested in exploring in my work
Weary Idealist: this capacity for love and empathy
Weary Idealist: and all of that
fly by nite away: and how i'm a coward and discompassionate and mostly a coward
Weary Idealist: some people like to celebrate the carnal side of humanity...i say fuck that
fly by nite away: oh, and selfish
Weary Idealist: you're scared, thats true
Weary Idealist: ive seen you run from truth after truth
fly by nite away: and i have no idea how to appeal to someone i've hurt after realizing this and regretting it so deeply
Weary Idealist: no denying it
fly by nite away: and hoping for forgiveness, that's pretty close to impossible at this point
Weary Idealist: but you wont keep running forever
Weary Idealist: i know you, you see
Weary Idealist: you're cowardly sometimes, but you have a great capacity for the strength you need...ive touched it before
Weary Idealist: youll find it easily enough when needs be
Weary Idealist: id tell you not to be so hard on yourself, but i know it wont help
Weary Idealist: because ive been telling you that for 3 years
Weary Idealist: but the fact that you know what you need to do and acknowledge it takes something, ill tell you
Weary Idealist: and you're smart

Aaron Behrens.

2008-05-20T23:15:33Z

I am in lust with this man. He is my IDOL.

Look up Ghostland Observatory on Youtube and you will SEE.

Still Uneasy

2008-05-20T18:54:01Z

The Kennedy Curse strikes again!
Wow. That is uncanny. Poor Eddy.

I had the best weekend EVER. And also, swimming will happen tonight, which makes life even better. If only my sewing machine worked.
Last night while I was wracked with chest and stomach pain (manifestations of mental torture) I had a bunch of really sweet ideas for fuh fuh fiction. But I only vaguely remember them now... damn. I will will will get to writing goodness in here again.

mostdefinitely @ 2008-05-18T13:33:00

2008-05-18T18:36:39Z

I totally finally decided to quit torturing myself last night, and it worked pretty well. Congrats self! Way to put away the iron maiden!

Best moment of the night: VAN FULL OF CATS. ROAD TRIP WITH CATS. CATS AT THE BEACH WITH PERSONALIZED SAILOR HATS. CATS ON LEASHES AT A REST STOP. Oh man. And a me sandwich in exchange for my tunes. YES.

finals week.

2008-05-07T05:37:14Z

THIS IS THAT NEW SHIT.
Well, it's coming in the mailll...

I'm sad everyone's leaving. But also I like summer. It is a time of reflexion, solitude, silence, and intensity. It is a lost disconnected time. It's a time to reglue the roots in, you know? It has always been that way for me, everyone leaves and I am left to myself and my stunted weakened faltering connections with others, so I have no choice but to become stronger.
And of course self reinvention, but this time it's building on what it was before, and me and Rox are going to FREAK AMES THE FUCK OUT. According to plan :|

I've really been looking forward to it. Also I want to fuck Feadz's voice.

Grades so far:
Jl MC 201: A
Jl MC 341: B

///FAIS RENTRER LES EUROS PARCE QU'ILS SONT PAS SI CHOUETTES COMME NOUS///

mostdefinitely @ 2008-05-05T09:03:00

2008-05-05T14:05:02Z

i forgot about hormones. THATS IT.
whew.

this is just me, but i would suck at being president.

mostdefinitely @ 2008-05-05T00:46:00

2008-05-05T05:50:07Z

i feel like shit.
weekends are supposed to be fun. i am going to stop being in places where i'm uncomfortable on the weekends.
i am going to spend more time alone. a lot more. and i am going to like it

god i hate myself. thats the only conclusion i can come up with for why i do this to myself.

i tried to go on a walk but after an hour magnets brought me back home sat me in this chair and pulled more tears from my eyes and i havent really left since

Pot 'o Gold

2008-05-01T18:12:34Z

Oohhhh Rush.

2008-05-01T08:34:37Z

We are strangers to each other
Full of sliding panels
An illusion show
Acting well rehearsed routines
Or playing from the heart?
It's hard for one to know

We are islands to each other
Building hopeful bridges
On a troubled sea
Some are burned or swept away
Some we would not choose
But we're not always free

Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room for you and I to grow

-entre nous

mostdefinitely @ 2008-04-30T21:10:00

2008-05-01T02:12:43Z

Blhahahahaaaaaaa Thom Yorke is a genius gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the eraser.

Androgyny rules

2008-04-30T04:30:21Z

I still have to finish my article for 201, but tonight I concluded that the ideal personality for a man OR a woman involves the encapsulation of the positive traits associated with both the feminine and masculine, and does not include any of the negative traits stereotypically associated with either gender. Conclusion: Society can suck it.

Such positive traits include:
(Typically masculine) independent, active, logical, ambitious, self-confident, adventurous, leadership, making decisions easily, being direct, enjoying math and science
(Typically feminine) emotional, tactful, talkative, gentle, aware of others' feelings, neat, nurturing, enjoying art and literature, expressive

I'm not going to go into the negative traits because there are about three negative feminine traits for every negative masculine one, which kind of made me mad (and more of a man) haha.
But as one of my interviewees said, this stuff has nothing to do with sex appeal. If you're hot, you're hot, and both people having masculine and feminine personality traits would just make the sex better (more confident and expressive, for example) for both of them.

I've got a fever something awful! Hope I'm better before I go out for dollar pints tomorrow :)
Also, I just finished the last of my statistics assignments. All that's left = the final. YES!

dead week/end

2008-04-28T07:20:03Z

I somehow managed to ace my last statistics test, the one I barely studied for and thought I'd failed. Perhaps there is a chance of passing that class?

Also, some fuck backed into my car yesterday while I was parked in a space for ten minutes. The other car hit my back windshield's frame, smashing the entire back windshield. I walked outside while the shards were still dripping from the rims. So even though I took home 130 bucks in tips this weekend, I have nothing to show for it. Kind of like earlier this month when I got towed, again, and worked all weekend to pay for that. Fuck cars.

Just watched Heima. Sigur Rós consists of eight highly levelheaded, talented musicians who truly value music as an art form and not as a moneymaking mechanism. The members of the band are all humble and very modest. It was really good to see that people like that still exist, people who just want to bring all sorts of people together to appreciate each other and what we have (the earth). I recommend the DVD to anyone.

I haven't quite slept since Thursday night, nor have I eaten much. Can't seem to. Troubled? Maybe it was the dancing until 5am Friday and Saturday nights that inhibited any good rest.

My creative spirit has been going haywire lately, in a good way. I have so many ideas I can't even keep track of them all.

i no longer have a face

2008-04-26T02:02:17Z

i need to give up my sexuality and regress (or progress) into the creative state i lived in when i was little. before puberty.
working on it but i don't own any t-shirts. and it's so fun to dress up? and i like sex. god damn conflicts.

A little nuclear

2008-04-25T02:26:05Z

Electricity fills the air in Ames... a sort of buzzing tension gives breath to the cement beneath the feet of dazed giants wandering up Welch Avenue... the normal traffic retreats to make way for a fleet of polished insects driven by wild-eyed parasites with aging crew cuts. Manic energy simultaneously stifles and propels the breeze, and lightning and acid raindrops slide off the gusts into the stagnant air, onto the asphalt, between the stones and grit down into the still-damp soil, setting the earthworms' nerves alight (they become suddenly restless). The trees' neon buds threaten to overwhelm time with their speed, flash open then snap closed like mouths in a stunted old horror film. Anxious fleeting grins, scattered thoughts kept at the surface by the magnetized air and sickly red atmosphere wet with condensation. There are no chemicals, but the people cannot breathe. Shrill guitar notes fade as one progresses through the rolling mounds of a drowning city.

We live underground, on the Other Side, and we see the peaks and lulls and waves and love them. We anticipate them and covet them and eat them with our wooden shovels. We use our pink bandanas as napkins and smile when it's over, our throats clogged with bile and tobacco smoke.

That's what Ames feels like tonight. I don't want to write my paper. I want to watch.

Self-objectification

2008-04-23T04:27:28Z

There is an AMAZING article in the newest issue of Ms. Magazine that I found heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. It's about how up to 70% of college girls view their bodies as sex objects to be consumed by the male gaze. They live in a state of "double consciousness... a sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others."

"Women who self-objectify are desperate for outside validation of their appearance and present their bodies in ways that draw attention." Studies show that girls who "chronically monitor their physical appearance" are more prone to depression and low self-esteem and have less faith in their own capabilities, and general feelings of disgust and shame about their bodies. In the long-term, self-objectifiers have lower gpa's than non-objectifiers.

"Girls are taught to view their bodies as 'projects' that need work before they can attract others, whereas boys are likely to learn to view their bodies as tools to use to master the environment."

Then it moves on to talk about sex, and much of what it said curiously echoes a previous journal entry of mine.
"Nudity can cause great anxiety among self-objectifiers, who then become preoccupied with how their bodies look in sexual positions. As constant critics of their bodies, they can't focus on their own sexual pleasure."

"Many young women now engage in sex acts with men that priotitize the man's pleasure, with little or no expectation of reciprocity," says anti-sexist male activist and author Jackson Katz.

Then, about the fact that many women seem proud to wear t-shirts that say things like "Fuck Foreplay" (implying.. what? that men don't enjoy foreplay? let's get down to penetration?):
"The notion of objectification as empowering is illogical, since objects are acted upon, rather than taking action themselves. The real power in such arrangements lies with boys and men, who come to feel entitled to consume women as objects-- first in media, then in real life."

"Perhaps the most striking outcome of self-objectification is the difficulty women have in imagining identities and sexualities truly our own."

______________________________________
I love this magazine. Its staff is not afraid to say the truth. I put these quotes here because this article is largely about me, and actually illustrates much of my own struggle against myself. I have objectified myself since I was fourteen and have often spoke of feeling like I have a block between my true self and the way I act, my fear of being original, and my fear of being viewed as unattractive and therefore worthless. It's a handicap and it is an uphill struggle. That's why lately I have been making an effort to just have fun and focus on that instead of how I look to others, which so far has been slow progress but progress nonetheless. At least I'm over the sex part of it, thank goodness.
It's funny though how I have to make a conscious effort to just treat myself as someone who has internal value around other people. I am NOT my appearance.

Hear, hear.

Dewdrops Again

2008-04-21T05:07:59Z

So. Beautiful.
I can't relate to the lyrics at the moment, but it's such a gorgeous song.

My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day

And a song that I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone, without beliefs
The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I
Simon & Garfunkel
Kathy's Song

I like the fact that the automated ads on the lyrics websites I visit say things like, "Find Great Deals on Simon and Garfunkel Stuff!"
I don't really think I would...

I feel like an open wound scraped raw and scraped again, a dozen times, and just now it's dawning on me not to put on a bandage but to retreat from the friction and let it heal naturally. Give it some air. I'll have a lovely raised shining scar, but I'll have the knowledge of the experience as well.
I can stop letting the fear cloud my vision and just wander free like I did last night, alone, in the still air lighthearted from wine with the Raconteurs in my ears. I realized again that I am content alone. I am strong. I know myself, and I know I don't need to settle for a jagged cycle of pain and satisfaction and fear and half-moon emotions just to feel a connection to something or someone; I can enjoy life without it. I can be real.
I will not transfer the need to another like some sort of parasite. That has only ever led to more pain. On the contrary, I will overcome it.

Up For Work

2008-04-19T15:11:37Z

OH! Oh! Oh! I'm so good!

I KNEW getting some good sleep would solve all my problems.

From now on, objective 1 is always Sleep Tight, Wake Up In Good Mood. Have Awesome Day.
And objective 2 is Repeat.

Barbie goes raving

2008-04-18T20:10:35Z

I just found mine + Jeskuh's fanfiction account from eighth grade into like... tenth.

It's all still there! We were so amazing! I missed that goddamn Harry Potter spoof.